Okay, so you're doing this. After months (years?) of video calls and airport goodbyes and that specific ache of missing someone—you're finally closing the gap.
First: congratulations. Seriously. Most couples never get here. You've survived the hard part.
But here's what nobody tells you: closing the distance is its own challenge. About one-third of LDR couples break up within three months of finally being together. Not because the distance was what held them together—but because they weren't prepared for the transition.
This guide is designed to help you not be that statistic. We'll cover the practical stuff (who moves, finances, logistics) and the emotional stuff (expectations, adjustment, what to do when it's harder than you thought).
- What does "closing the distance" mean?
- Closing the distance (or "closing the gap") refers to the transition from long-distance to geographically close or cohabiting. This involves one or both partners relocating, and typically includes decisions about housing, employment, finances, and establishing new routines together. Research shows this transition requires 2-3 months of adjustment, with the first 90 days being the most challenging.
The Decision: Who Moves Where?
This is where a lot of couples get stuck. Someone has to uproot their life. How do you decide fairly?
The Decision Framework
For each factor, rate which location (Partner A's city or Partner B's city) scores better, from 1-5:
Career Opportunities
Where are the better job prospects for both of you? Consider not just current jobs but future growth.
Cost of Living
Where can you afford a good life? Consider housing, transportation, taxes, and daily expenses.
Support Network
Where are the stronger existing relationships? Family, friends, community.
Lifestyle Fit
Which location matches your desired lifestyle? Climate, culture, activities, vibe.
Flexibility
Who has more flexibility to move? Consider job transferability, lease timing, commitments.
Immigration/Visa
For international couples: which country is easier to immigrate to legally?
The Third Option: A New Place Together
Sometimes neither location wins. Some couples choose to move somewhere new together. This has advantages:
- Neither partner is the "guest" in the other's established life
- You build routines and friendships together from scratch
- Neutral territory means more balanced power dynamics
The downside: no existing support network, more disruption, and more unknowns. But for some couples, starting fresh is exactly right.
The Conversations You Need to Have
Before anyone packs a box, you need to be aligned on the big stuff. These conversations are easier before the stress of the move.
Conversation 1: Expectations About Living Together
- What does a typical weekday look like in your ideal shared life?
- How much time together vs. apart is healthy for each of you?
- What household responsibilities matter to you? What do you hate doing?
- How do you each feel about guests and social time at home?
- What are your deal-breakers for living space?
Conversation 2: Finances
- How will you split rent and bills? 50/50? Proportional to income?
- Will you have joint accounts, separate accounts, or both?
- What are each of your debts, savings, and financial goals?
- How do you each feel about spending vs. saving?
- Who pays for what during the transition?
Conversation 3: The Moving Partner's Needs
- What will they miss most about their current location?
- How will they build a social life in the new place?
- What support do they need during the transition?
- What's their backup plan if things don't work out?
- How can the non-moving partner help with the adjustment?
Conversation 4: Long-Term Alignment
- Where do you see yourselves in 1 year? 5 years?
- Are you aligned on marriage? Kids? Career priorities?
- Is this move permanent, or a stepping stone?
- What would make one of you want to move again?
The Logistics Checklist
Here's everything you need to think about. Not everything will apply to your situation—take what's useful.
3+ Months Before
1-2 Months Before
Week of Move
First Week Together
The 90-Day Transition Plan
The first three months are the adjustment period. Relationship experts recommend having an actual plan for this time.[1]
Days 1-30: Survival Mode
Goal: Get the basics working. Don't try to optimize yet.
- Focus on unpacking, settling in, and basic routines
- Expect weirdness. The reunion crash is real
- Don't spend every moment together—build in alone time
- Have weekly check-ins: "How are you feeling? What's hard?"
- The moving partner should explore the city on their own
Days 31-60: Building Routines
Goal: Establish patterns that work for both of you.
- Find your weeknight rhythm—who cooks, when you eat, evening activities
- Establish "together" time and "alone" time boundaries
- The moving partner should pursue their own social connections
- Try new activities as a couple in the new location
- Address any friction points directly—don't let them fester
Days 61-90: The Real Relationship Emerges
Goal: Settle into sustainable patterns.
- By now, it should feel less like a visit and more like life
- Evaluate what's working and what needs adjustment
- Celebrate the transition—you did it!
- If significant problems exist, address them seriously
- Start planning future experiences together
Common Problems & What to Do
"It's not what I expected"
Almost no one's experience matches their fantasy. You're adjusting to reality, not something being wrong. Give it time, stay curious instead of disappointed, and communicate about what's hard.
"I miss my old life"
Valid. You left real things behind. This doesn't mean the move was a mistake—it means grief is part of transition. Let yourself feel it. Build new things while honoring what you lost.
"We're fighting more than when we were long distance"
Proximity creates friction that distance hid. You're also both stressed. Most couples fight more in the first 90 days. The question is whether you're fighting well—and whether it decreases over time.
"I feel like a guest in their life"
This is the biggest challenge for the moving partner. Combat it by: building your own routines, making some spaces "yours," having your own social connections, and ensuring major decisions are made together.
"We need too much space from each other"
You've been long distance—you're used to lots of alone time. It's normal to need more space than you expected. Create it intentionally: separate hobbies, solo outings, designated alone time at home.
References
- Stafford, L., Merolla, A. J., & Castle, J. D. (2006). When long-distance dating partners become geographically close. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23(6), 901-919.
Worried about the transition? Read about the reunion crash to understand what to expect, or take the Communication Audit to assess your relationship health before the move.