In my years as a relationship therapist—and eight years in my own long distance relationship—I've noticed something. The couples who struggle most aren't the ones with the most miles between them. They're the ones who don't understand their own attachment patterns.
Attachment theory explains how we learned to connect (or protect ourselves from connection) based on early experiences. In a long distance relationship, these patterns get amplified. You can't use physical presence to soothe anxiety. You can't avoid difficult conversations by staying busy together. Everything shows up in how you text, call, and wait.
- What does this quiz measure?
- This quiz assesses your attachment tendencies specifically in long distance relationship contexts. Based on attachment theory research, it identifies patterns in how you handle separation, communication gaps, reunions, and emotional intimacy across distance. Your results include your primary attachment style, how it manifests in LDR-specific situations, and practical strategies for building security.
This isn't about labeling yourself. It's about recognizing patterns so you can work with them consciously instead of being driven by them unconsciously.
The quiz takes about 5 minutes. Answer based on how you actually feel and behave, not how you think you should.
Before You Begin
This quiz works best when you answer honestly, even if your honest answer isn't flattering. There are no "good" or "bad" attachment styles—each has strengths and challenges.
Think about your current or most recent long distance relationship. If you've never been in one, imagine how you'd likely respond based on your patterns in past relationships.
Understanding the Four Attachment Styles
Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, describes four main patterns of relating. Here's how each shows up in long distance relationships specifically:
Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. In an LDR, they can tolerate gaps in communication without spiraling into anxiety. They trust their partner's love even when they can't see evidence of it daily.
But here's the thing I've noticed in my practice: truly secure people are rarer than you'd think. Most of us lean anxious or avoidant, especially under stress. Distance is stress.
Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment shows up as a strong need for closeness and reassurance. In an LDR, this often manifests as hypervigilance about response times, reading into message tone, and difficulty self-soothing when communication patterns change.
I was anxiously attached for years. The hardest part wasn't the distance—it was the space between texts. Those gaps felt like rejection, even when they weren't.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment involves discomfort with too much closeness. Some people with this style actually find LDRs easier at first—the built-in distance feels comfortable. The challenge comes when the relationship requires more scheduled intimacy, or when closing the gap becomes real.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized)
This style involves wanting closeness but fearing it simultaneously. In LDRs, this can look like hot-and-cold behavior: intense connection followed by withdrawal. It's exhausting for both partners and often misread as "playing games."
It's not games. It's a nervous system that learned early that love and danger come together.
Why Distance Amplifies Everything
In geographically close relationships, you have constant small reassurances. A touch. A look. Shared meals. Physical presence does a lot of regulating work without you noticing.
Take that away, and your attachment system has to work harder. The anxious partner who might have been soothed by a hug now has only words on a screen. The avoidant partner who could manage closeness in small doses now faces long, scheduled video calls.
Research by Pistole and colleagues (2010) found that jealousy in LDRs correlates more strongly with attachment style than with actual geographic distance.[1] In other words: it's not the miles that predict your experience. It's your patterns.
Can You Change Your Attachment Style?
Yes. And this is the hopeful part.
Attachment patterns form early, but they're not fixed. Through self-awareness, therapy, and—importantly—experiences in relationships where your partner responds securely even when you act from insecurity, you can develop what researchers call "earned secure attachment."
A long distance relationship can actually be a powerful context for this growth. The distance forces you to communicate more explicitly. You can't rely on assumptions or proximity. You have to say what you mean, ask for what you need, and tolerate discomfort while learning that your partner will still be there.
I've watched couples use their LDR as a kind of crucible—not a test to survive, but a space to grow. The ones who make it often come out more securely attached than they were before.
What to Do With Your Results
Knowing your attachment style isn't a destination. It's a starting point.
If you lean anxious, your work is learning to self-soothe and tolerate uncertainty without immediately seeking reassurance. This doesn't mean suppressing your needs—it means building internal resources so you're not dependent on instant response.
If you lean avoidant, your work is staying present when closeness feels uncomfortable, and communicating your needs instead of withdrawing. Distance can let you avoid this work. Don't let it.
If you're fearful-avoidant, your work is noticing when you're oscillating between approach and withdrawal, and trying to stay in the middle. Therapy can be particularly helpful here—these patterns often have roots in early experiences that benefit from professional support.
If you're secure—keep doing what you're doing, and be patient with partners who aren't there yet.
References
- Pistole, M. C., Roberts, A., & Mosko, J. E. (2010). Commitment predictors: Long-distance versus geographically close relationships. Journal of Counseling & Development, 88(2), 146-153.
- Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.
- Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132-154.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is attachment style in relationships?
Attachment style is a pattern of relating to others that develops in early childhood and influences how we behave in romantic relationships. The four main styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (disorganized). These patterns affect how we communicate, handle conflict, and respond to intimacy.
Why does attachment style matter more in long distance relationships?
Distance amplifies attachment patterns because you can't rely on physical presence for reassurance. Anxious partners may struggle more with gaps in communication. Avoidant partners may find the distance comfortable but struggle with scheduled intimacy. Understanding your style helps you navigate these challenges consciously.
Can your attachment style change?
Yes. While attachment patterns form early in life, they can shift through self-awareness, therapy, and experiences in secure relationships. A supportive long distance relationship can actually help you develop more secure attachment patterns over time.
Want to understand the research behind LDR success? Read our 47 LDR statistics or learn about relationship maintenance behaviors that predict success.