By Maya Chen · December 2025 · Decision Framework

Red Flags vs Normal Struggles

How to know when it's hard because distance is hard—and when it's a real problem.

Every week in my practice, someone asks a version of this question: "Is what I'm experiencing normal, or is this a sign I should get out?"

It's a fair question. Long distance relationships are inherently difficult. They involve loneliness, miscommunication, jealousy, doubt. But some of that is the normal cost of distance—and some of it is a genuine problem that won't get better when the distance closes.

The difference matters. Giving up on a good relationship because "it's too hard" is a mistake. Staying in a bad relationship because "all LDRs are hard" is also a mistake.

This guide is designed to help you tell the difference.

What's the difference between normal LDR struggles and red flags?
Normal LDR struggles are difficulties arising from the logistics of distance itself—they tend to be situational, workable through communication, and likely to improve when circumstances change. Red flags are patterns that indicate deeper relationship problems—they persist regardless of distance, often worsen over time, and wouldn't be solved by closing the gap. The key distinction: normal struggles are about the situation; red flags are about the person or the dynamic.

The Framework: Situation vs. Pattern

Here's the core question to ask about any struggle: Is this about the situation, or is this about who we are together?

Situational (Normal)

  • Caused by distance logistics
  • Improves with communication
  • Both partners work on it
  • Would likely resolve with proximity
  • Comes and goes based on circumstances

Pattern (Red Flag)

  • Would exist regardless of distance
  • Communication makes it worse or is ignored
  • One partner refuses to address it
  • Would continue or worsen with proximity
  • Consistent and escalating over time

Common Issues: Normal or Red Flag?

Communication Frequency

Normal Struggle

"We haven't figured out the right rhythm yet. Sometimes we talk too much and run out of things to say; sometimes one of us gets busy and we go too long without connecting. We're still calibrating."

  • You're both trying to find what works
  • When you discuss it, things improve (at least temporarily)
  • Busy periods are explained and temporary
  • You both care about getting it right

Red Flag

"They're constantly unavailable. They rarely initiate. When I bring it up, they dismiss my concerns or promise to change but never do. I feel like I'm always chasing them."

  • One-sided effort consistently
  • They get defensive when you express needs
  • Patterns don't change despite discussions
  • They're "busy" for weeks without real explanation

Jealousy and Trust

Normal Struggle

"Sometimes I feel jealous when they go out. I know it's my insecurity, and when I mention it, they reassure me. I'm working on trusting more, and they're patient with my process."

  • Jealousy is acknowledged as partly internal
  • Partner responds with reassurance, not defensiveness
  • It's improving over time with work
  • No actual betrayals—just anxiety

Red Flag

"They flirt with others and tell me I'm overreacting. They've lied about where they were. When I'm anxious, they call me controlling instead of addressing my concerns."

  • They've actually crossed boundaries
  • They gaslight your legitimate concerns
  • You've caught them in lies
  • They refuse to offer reasonable transparency

Conflict and Arguments

Normal Struggle

"We fight more than I'd like, especially over text where things get misinterpreted. But we usually work it out. We're learning how to fight fair without body language."

  • Conflicts get resolved
  • Both partners apologize when wrong
  • You're learning and improving
  • Fights don't leave lasting damage

Red Flag

"Every fight becomes a threat. They bring up old issues. They call me names or give the silent treatment for days. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells."

  • Fights include insults, contempt, or cruelty
  • Threats to break up are used as weapons
  • Silent treatment lasts for days
  • You feel afraid to express concerns

Future Plans

Normal Struggle

"We don't have an exact end date, but we've talked about it. We know roughly what the plan is—who might move, what timeline we're looking at. We're aligned even if details are uncertain."

  • You've had real conversations about the future
  • You're aligned on eventually being together
  • Uncertainty is situational, not evasive
  • You're both working toward the same goal

Red Flag

"Every time I bring up the future, they change the subject or say 'let's see how things go.' We've been together two years and I still don't know if they see a future with me."

  • They avoid future conversations entirely
  • Vague non-commitments after significant time together
  • Their life plans don't include you
  • You feel strung along

Emotional Support

Normal Struggle

"Sometimes it's hard to feel supported from far away. We're learning how to be there for each other through a screen. It's not perfect, but we're both trying."

  • Both partners are making effort
  • Limitations are acknowledged
  • Support is imperfect but genuine
  • You feel cared for overall

Red Flag

"When I'm struggling, they don't want to hear about it. They tell me I'm being negative or 'too much.' I've stopped sharing hard things because they make me feel worse."

  • They're dismissive of your feelings
  • You feel lonelier after talking to them
  • They make your struggles about themselves
  • You've learned to hide your real feelings

The Decision Tree

Question 1: When you express a concern, what happens?

→ Normal

They listen, try to understand, and work with you on it (even if imperfectly)

→ Warning

They get defensive, dismiss your feelings, or turn it around on you

Question 2: After you discuss a problem, do things change?

→ Normal

Yes, even if slowly. There's visible effort and gradual improvement

→ Warning

No. Same patterns repeat. Promises aren't kept. Nothing actually changes

Question 3: Do you feel like yourself in this relationship?

→ Normal

Yes. You can be honest, have your own life, and feel secure in who you are

→ Warning

No. You censor yourself, feel smaller, or have become anxious in ways you weren't before

Question 4: Is the effort equal?

→ Normal

Roughly. Different styles, but both are invested and trying

→ Warning

Consistently unequal. You're always the one initiating, planning, compromising

Question 5: Would closing the gap fix this problem?

→ Normal

Probably. The issue is genuinely about distance logistics

→ Warning

Probably not. The issue is about how they treat you, not where they live

The Hard Truth About "We'd Be Fine If..."

I see this a lot: couples who believe their problems are entirely caused by distance. "If we just lived in the same city, everything would be better."

Sometimes that's true. Distance genuinely does create problems that proximity would solve.

But often, distance reveals problems that proximity would have hidden—or made worse. If someone is dismissive over text, they'll be dismissive in person. If someone avoids difficult conversations on video calls, they'll avoid them at the dinner table. If someone makes you feel small from across the country, they'll make you feel small across the room.

Ask yourself honestly: if we closed the gap tomorrow, what would actually change?

Distance Reveals, It Doesn't Create

Long distance is a stress test. It shows you who your partner is when they can't rely on physical presence, when they have to make effort to connect, when they have freedom and you have to trust them. Some people pass the test. Some people don't. The test isn't the problem—it's just making the problem visible.

When It's Not Clear

Sometimes you genuinely can't tell. The situation is complicated. Your partner has good qualities and concerning ones. The red flags aren't bright red—they're more of a faded pink.

Some questions to sit with:

  • What would you tell a friend in this situation? We're often more clear-eyed about others' relationships than our own.
  • How do you feel most of the time? Not in the good moments or the bad ones—but the overall average. Anxious? Secure? Happy? Drained?
  • Is it getting better or worse? Trajectory matters more than any single moment.
  • What are you tolerating that you wouldn't have tolerated a year ago? Normalization is real. Pay attention to what you've adjusted to.

And if you genuinely can't tell: consider talking to a therapist. Individual therapy, not couples therapy (yet). Someone who can help you see the situation clearly without the fog of being in it.

The Permission You Might Need

If you're reading this because something feels off, I want to say a few things:

It's okay if it's just hard. Hard doesn't mean wrong. Most worthwhile things are hard sometimes. If the core is good and you're both trying, keep trying.

It's also okay if it's wrong. Not every relationship is meant to survive. Especially long distance, which requires unusual amounts of trust and effort. Leaving isn't failure—sometimes it's clarity.

You're allowed to need what you need. If you need more communication, more commitment, more effort—those are legitimate needs. A partner who makes you feel needy for having needs is telling you something about themselves.

Your gut usually knows. Under all the analysis and rationalization, you probably know whether this is working. Trust that.

Want to assess your relationship systematically? Try the Communication Audit. Trying to understand your own patterns? Take the Attachment Style Quiz.