There's a reason countdowns feel good. A reason the days before a visit are almost as sweet as the visit itself. A reason "open when" letters work. It's not just sentimentality—there's actual neuroscience behind it.
Anticipation—the emotional state of looking forward to something—turns out to be one of the most powerful positive emotions we can experience. And in long distance relationships, it's a resource you can deliberately cultivate.
- Why does anticipation feel good?
- Anticipation activates the brain's reward system similarly to actually receiving the reward. Studies using fMRI scans show that the dopaminergic pathways light up during anticipation, sometimes more intensely than during the experience itself. This explains why the buildup to a vacation often feels better than the vacation, and why countdowns to visits can generate sustained positive emotions across days or weeks.[1]
The Research
Several key findings from psychology and neuroscience research:
1. Anticipation Can Exceed Experience
A landmark 2010 study by Van Boven and Ashworth found that participants reported equal or greater pleasure from anticipating experiences compared to remembering them. The anticipation of a vacation generated more sustained positive affect than reminiscing about it afterward.[2]
2. Delayed Consumption Increases Enjoyment
Research by Loewenstein (1987) demonstrated that people often prefer to delay positive experiences. In one study, participants valued a kiss from their favorite movie star more highly if it happened in three days rather than immediately—because the anticipation added value.[3]
3. Uncertainty Amplifies Anticipation
Wilson and colleagues (2005) found that uncertainty about a positive outcome often increases its emotional impact. Not knowing exactly when something good will happen—or exactly what it will be—can extend and intensify the anticipation period.[4]
Applications for Long Distance Relationships
Understanding anticipation psychology has practical implications for how you structure connection across distance:
Countdowns Create Sustained Happiness
A countdown to your next visit isn't just logistical—it's emotional. Watching the days tick down generates positive feelings across the entire waiting period, not just on arrival day.
Time-Released Gifts Extend Joy
This is why "open when" letters and time-released postcards work so well. A single gift that unfolds over days or weeks creates multiple anticipation periods, each generating its own positive emotions.
Surprise Elements Amplify Impact
The research on uncertainty suggests that not knowing exactly what's coming makes the anticipation more powerful. A package that arrives on a random day, or content that reveals on an unpredictable schedule, creates stronger emotional responses than fully predictable gifts.
Practical Applications
- Use countdowns deliberately — Don't just book a flight; create a shared countdown that you both see daily
- Build in delays — Sometimes mailing a gift (3-5 day wait) is better than overnight shipping
- Create uncertainty — "Something's coming this week" is more exciting than "check your mailbox Tuesday"
- Multiple small anticipations > one big one — Weekly surprises may generate more total happiness than one annual grand gesture
The Counterintuitive Truth
Here's what I find most interesting about this research: it suggests that the distance itself—the waiting, the anticipation, the countdown—might actually generate positive emotions that geographically close couples don't experience as intensely.
This isn't to romanticize distance. Being apart is hard. But understanding that the waiting period has psychological value can reframe how you think about the time between visits. It's not dead time. It's anticipation time. And that anticipation is doing something valuable.
References
- Knutson, B., & Greer, S. M. (2008). Anticipatory affect: neural correlates and consequences for choice. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, 363(1511), 3771-3786. doi.org/10.1098/rstb.2008.0155
- Van Boven, L., & Ashworth, L. (2007). Looking forward, looking back: Anticipation is more evocative than retrospection. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 136(2), 289-300.
- Loewenstein, G. (1987). Anticipation and the Valuation of Delayed Consumption. The Economic Journal, 97(387), 666-684.
- Wilson, T. D., Centerbar, D. B., Kermer, D. A., & Gilbert, D. T. (2005). The pleasures of uncertainty: Prolonging positive moods in ways people do not anticipate. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 88(1), 5-21.
See how this applies to gift-giving in our unique gift guide, or learn more about relationship maintenance behaviors.