Relationship maintenance isn't something most couples think about explicitly. It happens naturally when you live together—the daily conversations, the shared meals, the unconscious touches as you pass each other in the kitchen.
But when you're in a long distance relationship, that automatic maintenance disappears. You have to be intentional about things that used to happen on their own.
Fortunately, relationship researchers have spent decades studying exactly what keeps relationships healthy. The framework I use in my research draws heavily on the foundational work of Stafford and Canary, whose typology of maintenance behaviors has been validated across hundreds of studies.[1]
- What are relationship maintenance behaviors?
- Relationship maintenance behaviors are the actions people take to keep their relationships satisfying and stable. Research by communication scholars Laura Stafford and Daniel Canary identified five primary maintenance strategies: positivity, openness, assurances, sharing tasks, and social networks.[1] These behaviors apply to all relationships but become especially important when physical distance limits natural interaction.
The Five Maintenance Behaviors
1. Positivity
Being cheerful, optimistic, and upbeat during interactions. Making conversations enjoyable rather than draining.
What the research shows: Partners who rate their relationships as high in positivity consistently report higher satisfaction.[2] This doesn't mean being fake or suppressing real concerns—it means approaching interactions with energy rather than complaint.
For long distance couples:
- Start and end calls on positive notes
- Share good news and achievements, not just problems
- Express genuine enthusiasm when you connect
- Be mindful of "dumping" stress from your day onto every call
2. Openness
Self-disclosure and willingness to discuss the relationship itself. Sharing your inner world and being receptive to your partner's.
What the research shows: Couples who talk about their relationship—not just around it—have stronger bonds. Meta-communication (talking about how you communicate) predicts relationship satisfaction across multiple studies.[3]
For long distance couples:
- Schedule regular "relationship check-ins" (quarterly works well)
- Share fears and hopes about the distance, not just logistics
- Ask questions you might not ask in person—distance can create space for deeper conversations[4]
- Video calls create more openness than text (body language matters)
3. Assurances
Expressing commitment and love. Showing your partner they're valued and that the relationship has a future.
What the research shows: Assurances are particularly important during uncertainty. They reduce anxiety and build security.[5] In LDRs, uncertainty is built-in—assurances become essential.
For long distance couples:
- Explicitly state your commitment regularly
- Discuss future plans together—having an end date matters enormously[6]
- Send gifts that communicate "I'm thinking of you"
- Prioritize the relationship visibly (choose them over other options)
This is where gifts matter most. A thoughtful gift is a tangible assurance—physical proof that you were thinking of your partner and committed enough to act on it.[7]
4. Sharing Tasks
Joint responsibility for relationship work. Not letting one partner carry all the burden of maintaining connection.
What the research shows: Relationships suffer when one partner does all the maintenance work. Equity in effort predicts relationship longevity.[8]
For long distance couples:
- Alternate who initiates calls
- Both contribute to planning visits
- Share the emotional labor of staying connected
- Joint projects: planning a trip, watching the same show together, reading the same book
5. Social Networks
Involving friends and family. Building connections with each other's social circles.
What the research shows: Couples with integrated social networks have more stable relationships.[9] Your partner knowing your friends (and vice versa) creates additional threads of connection and external support for the relationship.
For long distance couples:
- Include your partner in group video calls occasionally
- Tell your friends about your partner regularly
- Make effort to meet each other's important people during visits
- Share stories about your respective social lives
Why This Matters More for LDRs
The challenge of long distance relationships is that these behaviors don't happen accidentally. In geographically close relationships, they often occur naturally—assurances happen through physical touch, positivity through shared meals, social networks through overlapping friend groups.
Distance removes the autopilot. You have to be intentional.
Research by Jiang and Hancock found that LDR couples actually have higher quality communication on average—precisely because they can't rely on passive maintenance.[4] This is the silver lining: intentional maintenance often produces stronger connections than automatic maintenance.
Practical Application
- Audit your current behavior: Which of the five are you naturally good at? Which are you neglecting?
- Talk about it together: Share this framework with your partner. Discuss where you're both doing well and where you could improve.
- Create systems: Set calendar reminders for relationship check-ins. Schedule who initiates calls. Use connection tools that create ambient positivity and assurance.
- Regular review: Every few months, check in on the five behaviors. Are you still balanced?
The Gift Connection
Gifts serve primarily as assurances—tangible proof of commitment and thought. But the best gifts touch other behaviors too:
- Touch lamps create ambient positivity through shared moments
- Time-released gifts build anticipation, leveraging the psychology of anticipation
- Subscription boxes for two create shared tasks and experiences
- Gifts for each other's friends and family strengthen social networks
Understanding why gifts work—their role in relationship maintenance—helps you choose better ones.
References
- Stafford, L., & Canary, D. J. (1991). Maintenance strategies and romantic relationship type, gender and relational characteristics. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 8(2), 217-242. doi.org/10.1177/0265407591082004
- Dainton, M., & Stafford, L. (1993). Routine maintenance behaviors: A comparison of relationship type, partner similarity and sex differences. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10(2), 255-271.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishers.
- Jiang, L. C., & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence makes the communication grow fonder: Geographic separation, interpersonal media, and intimacy in dating relationships. Journal of Communication, 63(3), 556-577. doi.org/10.1111/jcom.12029
- Pistole, M. C., Roberts, A., & Mosko, J. E. (2010). Commitment predictors: Long-distance versus geographically close relationships. Journal of Counseling & Development, 88(2), 146-153.
- Sahlstein, E. M. (2004). Relating at a distance: Negotiating being together and being apart in long-distance relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 21(5), 689-710.
- Belk, R. W., & Coon, G. S. (1993). Gift giving as agapic love: An alternative to the exchange paradigm based on dating experiences. Journal of Consumer Research, 20(3), 393-417.
- Canary, D. J., & Stafford, L. (1994). Maintaining relationships through strategic and routine interaction. In D. J. Canary & L. Stafford (Eds.), Communication and Relational Maintenance (pp. 3-22). Academic Press.
- Felmlee, D. H. (2001). No couple is an island: A social network perspective on dyadic stability. Social Forces, 79(4), 1259-1287.
Want to put this into practice? See our long distance relationship gift guide for products that support relationship maintenance, or explore more research-backed strategies.